she woke up with a sticky ear
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I just had sex on a roof
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
