I met the friendliest cop last night
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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