legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
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