I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
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