There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize