It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
