he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
Randomize
