watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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