I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
