I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
