You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
