I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I have tasted many bathrooms
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
