now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize