**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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