when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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