We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
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