I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
