I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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