see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
