You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
even my farts smell like vagina
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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