I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
