Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
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