I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
