The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
Less talking, more tequila
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
