Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My penis needs a shock collar
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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