mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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