I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
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