When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
