I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
