He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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