I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
