Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
