I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
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