So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
