I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
