best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You need a sexual gate keeper
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
