Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
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