Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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