I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i love accidental penises.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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