a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
