remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
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