Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
