On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
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