I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
