Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Are my feet made of real feet?
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
