dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize
