I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
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