Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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