Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
