You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
