You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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