she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
