a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
