i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
A bitchslap is in order.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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