im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
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