She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We are two peas in an std pod
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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