Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
