I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
