I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
We need a shit load of segways right now
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
