Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
No...this little piggys going to the bar
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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