It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize