so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
