and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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