I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize