Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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