Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
