Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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