RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Vodka?
Forever.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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